Mini-meltdowns & Pregnancy Socials

So, today would be the first day of my pregnancy where I had a complete hormonal melt-down. I swear, I’ve been mostly even-keel (more so than in my non-pregnant days) and actually jovial for the majority of this pregnancy. Not so today. My husband made an off-the-cuff comment that bothered me this morning. We were talking about how expensive everything is… and how we really need help covering the costs. He pointed out that I’m unemployed and he only makes $17/hr. And that really upset me – because it seemed like he was belittling me somehow. Even being unemployed, I bring more money into our household than he does – ahem – in case we’re keeping score!

He saw that I was upset and was super quick to make it all better, saying that he was just stating facts and that it wasn’t meant as a slight. I could tell he meant it, but the comment kind of stung. Almost like saying, “Yeah… and we obviously shouldn’t be having children!” (Okay, I know I’m adding that in, but that’s how it felt!)

Anyway, after he left for work, I started looking up things online: questions to ask a midwife, a birthing center, or your hospital, to make sure you know their policies and if it’s a good fit for you. Let me just say that this whole “where to have your baby” thing is driving me nuts and causing me more stress and sleepless nights than it could possibly be worth! I hate it. But I am compelled to find out as much as I can about all my options so that I can make the best choice. Having said that, this morning it was just too much for me – too overwhelming – and I crumbled.

By myself. On the sofa, with the dog we’re dog-sitting (who is such a cutie) I started sobbing and the tears kept coming in waves. It was the kind of crying that feels endless, like it’s pulling from some deep well. And it struck me, that I have nobody to talk to about any of this. (Yes, I have people who will listen, but no one whom I trust to give me competent feedback.) I don’t have any friends that are new mothers, which was a blessing during my struggles with infertility, but now is a definite problem.

There is one woman with whom I’m friends – we’re not exactly close – but she’s very open and gregarious and we have known each other for years. She has a soon-t0-be four year old girl and is, hands down, one of the coolest moms I know. I sent her a text message in a desperate attempt to reach out to somebody. I told her I was freaking out and really needed someone to talk to and that I valued her advice. Luckily, she responded. We’re supposed to meet up tomorrow night, which makes me feel a bit better.

I didn’t realize that I would actually need pregnant friends!  Just like going through infertility, nobody quite understands unless they’re there or have been there recently. I need a support system that consists of more than just my husband and pregnancy books! I also went online and found a local maternity store that hosts a “Pregnancy Social” for doulas, midwives, and pregnant women. If you’d told me a few months ago that I would be going to something like this, let alone looking forward to it, I would have told you you were nuts! But, yeah. That’s where I am now. Hey, at least I haven’t resorted to Craigslist ads “Looking for Pregnant Friend” – hahaha! How creepy would that be?!