Why I don’t write more

Someday, I will no doubt look back on this blog and wish that I had written more – documented more about what my experiences in early motherhood were like. The present Me would like to remind the future Me that there simply is/was no time and that I was either torturously sleep deprived and/or preferred to spend precious waking moments paying attention to and interacting with my sweet baby.

Having said that, I am intentionally trying to ignore her now… as it is almost an hour past her bed time and she has had a screaming fit – for no discernible reason – for the better part of this time. Maybe if I hadn’t already been deprived of several nights’ sleep, I could think of a better, more creative, more compassionate plan of attack. However, that is simply asking too much of me right now.

Last night went something like this: I gave her her “last feed” at 8:25 pm and she was asleep by 8:50 pm, then she woke up at 9:10 pm. I rocked her to sleep. I tried to go to bed at 10 pm. She woke up again at 10:45 pm and 11:45 pm and I rocked her back to sleep each time. She woke up again at 1:20 am and would not be consoled, so I fed her (my admittedly misguided attempt to cheat & put her to bed the “easy way” as she tends to fall asleep after feeding). The joke was on me last night as she decided to sever our tacit understanding by crying, screaming, and generally making a nuisance of herself until 3:30 am. At this point, I was sobbing in the kitchen, on my husband’s shoulder (a rarity at that time of night) out of sheer exhaustion. I fed her again and she drifted off to sleep for somewhere close to an hour – I think. My memory starts to get a little fuzzy here. She may have gone to sleep for longer, and it just took me until 4:30 am to get to bed. At any rate, she was up again at 6:30 am, and I fed her again. Again, she showed no signs of going to sleep, and started her (cute, when I’m not tired) babbling. I tried to ignore her, but it was impossible since she still sleeps in our bedroom. Eventually, I had to wake up the hubby on his day off, even though he’d only gotten a few hours of sleep himself. He could see I was in bad shape, so he watched her for a couple of hours so I could get some much needed sleep.

What I really don’t understand is how she went from sleeping 7 to 9 hours a night without waking up – which is what she was doing at 2 months old – to THIS?!?! I’ve read all kinds of things about sleep regressions and 4 months seems to be a typical time for the first regression but this is horrible and I cannot go on like this. I walk around like a zombie all day, trying my best to be present and have fun with my precious baby – but I’m exhausted and am actually starting to dread nighttime. I can’t take all the screaming and crying. I can’t stand the lack of sleep. I completely understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

To top things off, tonight, I felt some tenderness near my c-section incision and when I felt the area with my hand, I noticed a sizable lump on the right side. It felt very strange and I’ve never experienced anything like this. Google seems to think it’s a hernia… which would be really bad news, as that can only be treated surgically, and I wouldn’t be able to lift anything weighing over 15 lbs. (which basically means, no lifting my daughter). I really hope that’s not what it is, but I have a sinking feeling that my hoping is in vain.

I know this post isn’t particularly clever, funny, or entertaining… I just needed to jot a few things down for me. Take a little time for myself. Sometimes it just helps to take pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard, as the case may be.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lexchantarelle
    Feb 22, 2013 @ 00:53:00

    I hope tonight goes better for you girls (and dad). It won’t be like this forever.


  2. Laura
    Feb 22, 2013 @ 07:00:17

    Never feel the need to be clever, funny or entertaining….especially when sleep deprived. I remember nights like those and I think it was around then that Connor started acting up as well…although I had never had the 7-9 hour sleeps(Connor didn’t do that until he was 22 months). With Connor it ended up being gas around 4-5 months which apparently is common at that age. There are lots of natural products to address it but I can’t remember the names right now (I think one was gripe water?). I don’t know if it’s the same for you but a lot of girls in my prenatal class experience the same thing. You could always try it for a couple nights and see if it settles her. Good luck!


  3. Daryl
    Feb 23, 2013 @ 10:46:57

    Sleep deprivation is hard! Hopefully this is just a fluke and she gets back to her 7-9 hours a night. The thing about babies is just when you get comfortable with the routine, they tend to change it. Hang in there!


  4. newbie
    Mar 08, 2013 @ 11:05:34

    I can soo relate to this post! My babies were doing 12 hours and then just recently they starting waking up again in the middle of the night. Argh. We ended up instituting a 10:30pm feed, which worked for about 2 weeks until one of them started absolutely refusing to eat at that time and waking up in the night anyway. Sigh. Hang in there, I think the 4 month regression thing is tough, but it does go away eventually (or as least that’s what I tell myself!)


  5. msfertility
    Mar 10, 2013 @ 11:19:51

    Thanks for all the support! I’ve been sick with a head cold this past week, but despite that, still doing the sleep training – which, I am happy to report, has really worked! Now she sleeps 9 consecutive hours a night, with one dream feed. The goal is 11 hrs, but I’m not complaining! There is a light at the end of the tunnel after all đŸ˜‰


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