Insomnia, my new friend

It’s just after 4:30 a.m. and I’ve been awake for about an hour and a half. I’m tired. Really tired. My hips and back ache and I want to sleep, but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for right now. So, I’m sitting here, in my darkened living room with my laptop on my lap, writing.

Today was a stressful day (I guess, technically, that would be yesterday – but when you don’t get to sleep, does it ever feel like a new day?) We went to the perinatologist to measure how big (that is, how much bigger) our baby is. And even though I am fully aware that the ultrasounds can be off by quite a bit when estimating weight, his findings were still a little disconcerting. He said that our baby now weighs 7 lbs. 9 oz.! And he added that, at this rate, she would be a good 9 or 10 lbs. on her due date. (That is most decidedly not what a mother-to-be wants to hear.)

While I jokingly turned to hubby and said, “Hey, you promised that if she was over 9 lbs. I’d get to name her!” Inside, I was freaking out. For several reasons. The first is just imagining giving birth to such a big baby (yes, I know it’s been done before) – but I always had this fantasy of giving birth to a perfect 7.5 lb. little girl – and she’s already bigger than that!

The second, and more disturbing thought was thinking that my OB would probably suggest (insist?) that we have an early induction at 38 weeks. That would be next week! And there is no part of me that feels ready to have this baby now. Plus, the perinatologist confirmed that although the baby is facing head down, there’s “plenty of room” for her to go, which means she’s not yet engaged… which means she’s not ready, my cervix isn’t ready, and if things don’t change drastically by next week, the induction is likely to either a) fail or b) result in a C-Section!

For the record, a C-Section is precisely what I want to avoid. Giving birth to a 10 lb. baby vaginally, without meds, is a less-frightening notion than having a C-Section… for me, at least. Ironically, the OB’s stated reason for wanting to induce early if the baby ended up measuring large was that – she said – it would give me a better chance at a “natural” delivery.

After speaking with my (really amazing) doula, I came away with some great questions for the doctor and the realization that this is 100% my decision to make (assuming that the health of the baby is not in question). She said that an induction in no way guaranteed me a vaginal birth and that in all likelihood, as a medically unnecessary intervention, it would increase my odds of having to undergo a C-Section! (I looked it up on the Mayo Clinic website and she’s absolutely right.) She also urged me to ask the doctor to determine my Bishop’s score and to see if I could ‘bargain’ for an induction around 40 weeks, if I haven’t naturally gone into labor by then.

During our conversation, it became really clear to me that on a gut-level, I feel that it’s too early now and that I don’t want to be induced. Just knowing that lifted a big weight off my shoulders. I’m pretty big on following my gut instincts! She also suggested I go to this well-known chiropractor in the area who’s specialty is cranio-sacral massage (which is supposed to widen the pelvis to allow more room for the baby to come through). Sounds good to me!

At this point, I’m willing to try anything to make this easier on me. But it’s still scary. Suddenly, it feels like it’s all happening too fast. In a few weeks (and possibly sooner) my life – our lives – will change forever. Nothing will ever be the same again. The idea of a 180 degree shift in our lives occurring essentially in an instant is, at times, terrifying to me. It feels like this huge avalanche is coming my way and I can do nothing to stop it — or even pause it for a moment. In fact, I started it!

When I felt that panic come on today, I took out my phone and scrolled through the photo gallery to find today’s ultrasound image of our little girl… with her chubby cheeks, cute little nose, pouty lips, and eyes closed in peaceful slumber. I love her so much already that it hurts. And I thought to myself, “She’s not scary at all… she’s adorable!” Then, I clung to my wonderful husband on our nightly, starlit stroll around the neighborhood and knew everything was going to be alright.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laura
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 07:33:53

    I had Connor 2 weeks early (the kid was really wanting out!) and the doctors had guessed that he would be an 8-9 pound baby…he was 6 pounds 6 ounces. My family has a bunch of 11 pound babies and I was nervous! From what I have been told it really doesn’t make the labor any more difficult. If your gut is telling you to wait, and there is no health risk to baby, wait.

    As for the panic over nothing being the same…I felt the same…and actually phoned my mom when I went into labor and said…nope, can’t do it!!! That was two years ago yesterday and although life has completely changed it has changed in the most amazing way. I could never have imagined how incredible it would be. Relax, sleep, and don’t get too nervous over the labor. In my opinion labor is not nearly as bad as what people like to say and I had a natural, drug free, labor.


    • msfertility
      Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:02:25

      Wow, that is really inspiring! Thank you for sharing your insights with me, Laura – and Happy Birthday to Connor! (I’m definitely hoping the baby weighs less than they say… either way, I think I can handle it!) It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling scared about everything changing. I just want to acknowledge everything I’m feeling, you know? Good or not-so-good!


      • Laura
        Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:08:47

        You’ll do amazing and the reason I enjoy reading your blog is because you acknowledge everything you are feeling!! If more people did it would make motherhood much easier!

  2. Jesica
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 09:11:58

    I agree with your gut and your gut is telling you it’s too early. Women all over the world give birth to 9 or 10 lb babies all the time and the only reason you’re freaking out about it is because you know about it in advance. Also, honestly, no dr will ever tell you this, but midwives always say that bigger babies are often easier to push out because there is more pressure being put on your cervix which helps it open. I say give yourself the extra few weeks and reevaluate closer to 40 weeks! Don’t let a big baby scare you into an induction!


    • msfertility
      Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:04:39

      Oooh! I never heard that bigger babies could be easier to push out – that’s helpful, thank you! I’m definitely going with my gut. I know she’s not ready yet, and in all truth, I’d really like her to come out whenever SHE’S ready! 🙂


  3. Daryl
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 17:19:27

    I think your gut is right. And the cranio-sacral sounds like a good idea. Pushing out a 10-pound baby may not be easy (I hope she’s not that big!), but I guarantee the recovery time is still far less than the 8 weeks of recovery after a C-section!


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