The way things are

Yesterday, they finally delivered the nursery furniture. I now have a (huge) crib – which seems odd for what I presume will be a tiny baby – and a dresser with a changing table, a pink & purple flowered rug, a pink & white glider & ottoman… and the walls are painted lavender with white trim & molding. I also added a children’s corner bookshelf, interspersed with children’s books and small stuffed animals. The room is almost finished and it feels so surreal.

I had to sit down in the rocking chair and just take it all in as soon as I had a minute to myself. It sounds so weird to say that seeing the nursery almost complete really brought the idea that I’m having a baby home, but that’s the truth. (You’d think the little critter constantly moving in my belly would be enough of a reality check!) But there was just something – something I can’t put my finger on – that made this whole thing real in a way that I couldn’t have anticipated.

I looked around the nursery and thought, “So this is what my child’s room is going to look like.” It was akin to having an out-of-body experience, as if all my imaginings of this moment over a lifetime were condensing into one moment… the present. Then I just sat there and rocked back & forth, my mind a complete blank, taking it all in.

In a way, the room scares me a little. It’s full of anticipation, full of impending change. It’s the room which promises to be the focal point of the house, of our hearts, of our lives for the next several years. And it looks so innocent, so overflowing with baby-themed sweetness. The bookshelf and its contents are what ground me. Looking at those books and imagining me or my husband reading to our daughter, comforting her, teaching her, guiding her… that’s the part of this journey for which I feel most prepared, most reassured. It’s the part I know we can do well. The rest of it… is some huge, nebulous mystery to me right now.

All along this path, we haven’t known what our steps will be until the time comes to take them. It was like that when we were trying to get pregnant and it’s like that now. I think, maybe, all of life is really like that, despite the occasional certainty we think we feel. You take a step and the ground lays itself before you in that instant, never sooner.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Jul 01, 2012 @ 07:46:26

    I love that last image. Whatever delusions we may have about control, I think you’re right. We just don’t know until we know. And I, personally, hate it.

    Your new nursery sounds absolutely adorable, though–very girlie! Soon you won’t have to imagine your little girl in it.


  2. Jesica
    Jul 02, 2012 @ 13:05:54

    My nursery has always scared me. I’m hoping when I bring the baby home I will be less afraid of it!


    • msfertility
      Jul 02, 2012 @ 17:58:11

      You mean, I’m not alone? 😉 Yeah… it’s a strange sensation, but I can only imagine that we’ll be so overjoyed and overwhelmed (not to mention, exhausted) once the baby actually arrives that all these little fears will melt away.


  3. swankylady
    Jul 02, 2012 @ 18:25:14

    This made me cry… and I mean that in a good way! 🙂 I felt a little shiver of excitement just imagining myself in the same situation. I appreciate the insight that the “what the heck is going to happen next” feeling doesn’t go away after you get pregnant…it just shifts focus a bit.


    • msfertility
      Jul 02, 2012 @ 18:53:38

      Aww… well I’m glad it was in a good way! It’s so true, you know. Every stage of life is full of insecurity and uncertainty and we think, “if only I could get *there* it’ll all be so much better” but then you find all kinds of new worries, responsibilities, uknowns…. It’s like being on a multi-level merry-go-round! (I hope you get to the next level soon – fingers crossed!)


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