Snippets of the 21st week variety

I’ve been blog-absent for a while, but only because things have been busy and I’ve started posts and then decided not to publish them for one reason or another. Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that I’m writing this for me, especially when the reality is that other people can read it – and whether I’m writing anonymously or not, I have to acknowledge that it does, in some way, affect what I write.

So… I think this is going to be a “random snippets” post, since I don’t have a clear idea about where I’m going.

Yesterday, I took a yoga class at an actual studio (rather than the pre-natal videos I usually exercise to) and it was pretty good! Only two students showed up for class, so it was very close to getting private instruction. I loved the granola instructor who took the time to point out exactly when I should be moving or holding a position differently to allow room for the baby. I loved the special attention in a way that surprised me. Normally, I don’t like being singled out for any reason – good 0r bad – but it felt right yesterday and she was giving each student equal attention, so I didn’t feel like there was too much attention being paid to me.

Anyway… the positions were challenging to hold and it felt like quite a workout, despite the gentle nature of it. When we finally went into our closing meditation and were lying still on our mats, my baby girl started up a kicking & punching storm! She was jabbing at me harder than I’ve ever felt before. And it occurred to me that she might actually be trying to punch her way out! The visual was just too funny for me and I started giggling (silently, of course) since the sensation and my imagination of what she was trying to do was purely delightful.

Afterwards, I went to thank the instructor for her personalized guidance and support and I told her about the baby kicking during meditation and she said, “I wondered what you were laughing about!” and then added, “The baby loves yoga – yay! A little yogini!”

Last weekend, I met up with a bunch of pregnant women thanks to a Yahoo group for first-time expectant moms here in the Valley. One the one hand, I can’t believe I had to answer an ad, essentially, to meet other mothers… but on the other hand, I do recognize that I need to talk to some other pregnant women just to have someone to talk to who can really relate.

We met at a local coffee shop. There were about eight of us in various stages of pregnancy, but most due within a month of me either way. Most of us appeared to be somewhere in our thirties. We introduced ourselves and a little bit of our stories. Can you believe I was the only one who’d had any sort of trouble getting pregnant? I mean, I thought by sheer age alone, there’d be at least one other person – but, no! One woman described her anxiety about trying for four months. Yeah. Uh-huh. I was very nice, though … I didn’t even laugh.

Now that I think about it, they probably didn’t even know what I was talking about when I told them about my IVF cycles. I’m sure some of them have heard of IVF, but I guarantee you no one knew enough to explain it. That wasn’t all they didn’t know about, either. We talked about delivering the baby and except for two other women (one who worked at a hospital), the terms doula & midwife were completely foreign concepts.

One of the women said, “I really hope I don’t have to have a C-section!” – which gave me pause. I asked her why she thought she might have to have one and she didn’t know. I got up on my mini-soap-box and presented a less-than-two-minute tutorial on some of the things one could do to prevent invasive & unnecessary measures during delivery. Then the organizer of the group said, “Oh, I’m getting an epidural for sure!” I sighed. Not that there’s anything wrong with getting one if you need one, but going in with that mentality just… irks me, I guess. I told her that she could have one if she wanted, but that it would likely slow down her progress and if the doctors then felt she wasn’t progressing enough, they would tell her that her baby was in distress and insist she get a C-section. I don’t think it computed because she gave me a blank stare.

I’m making it sound worse than it was – lol. The women were all very, very nice and friendly. And, I didn’t make a pariah out of myself. It was funny that they all thought I knew so much and that they should start reading more books. (Um, yeah… ‘you think?) Then again, lest I judge too harshly, pregnancy – real or conceptual – is new to these women. They’ve just started paying attention. I’ve been obsessed for nearly three years now. It’s hardly a fair comparison.

I am going to try to forge a friendship with one of the women who’s new to L.A. (by way of London). I know how tough it is to make friends in this city, pregnant or not! And she lives really nearby, so we’ve got a tentative friend-date for coffee or a walk along the lake next week (I’m hoping for both, actually.) Mmmm… a decaf soy latte sounds so good right now!

And, for my final snippet, the topic of baby names is a source of constant consternation in our household. We (okay, I) made the mistake of sharing actual names in consideration with family and a few friends. I’m not going to lie, I knew it was a bad idea before I did it… but it was as if I just couldn’t help myself when asked the direct question about what names we were thinking about!

Hubby likes a completely different set of exotic names than I like. And, at the risk of sounding trite, everyone else agrees with ME! (It’s true.) But still… we have to come to some sort of compromise, which doesn’t seem likely at the moment, but will hopefully occur before our daughter is actually born. Deep sigh. My fear is that she’ll end up with a bland name, only because neither one of us finds it objectionable… and I really want her name to feel special. (Not the kind of “special” that makes people roll their eyes – not “celebrity special” like Apple, or Blue Ivy, or Maxi – wtf?!?!) Just something that is worthy of the precious miracle she is to us.

And to that extent, I must conclude with a mother-in-law story. Let me just preface this by saying that my in-laws are Midwestern, non-interfering folk and are both super sweet. Cut to: phone call Sunday afternoon. I see it’s my mother-in-law, who rarely calls me, so I pick up the phone and her voice bubbles over with excitement. She tells me she thinks she has the perfect name for our baby girl. I’m partly doubtful, but she seems genuinely inspired. She adds that she can’t get the name out of her head and is already calling the baby by this name. (As a side note, my mother is already calling the baby by another name. It’s one I like, but still. I’ve told them both now not to get attached to any names.)

So, I say, “Tell me, what’s the name?” (I don’t know whether to insert a drumroll here or a moment of silence.) She says, “Rhonda Lee!” (Okay, insert moment of silence here.) I think to myself that that is the ugliest name out of all the names I’ve heard so far and that any of my husband’s awful choices would be better than that. I tell mother-in-law that the name is “very interesting” and that we’ll be sure to “add it to the list” of names we’re considering. She goes on to tell me how beautiful she thinks the name is. I tell her she’s very sweet for thinking of us and going through such trouble. She says that she called my husband and told him, but that she wasn’t sure he would “remember” to tell me. And then, she asks me, “Do you like it?” Oh… that is so unfair. Everyone knows you can’t tell your mother-in-law the truth about these things.

So, I say, “Well… I like Lee (which is not true) but Rhonda seems a bit on the old-fashioned side,” and I pause, afraid I’ve said something too negative. She counters with, “Well that’s why I like it – nobody else will have her name!” (I think to myself, “yeah, and for good reason!”) but instead say, “You have a point there!” and assure her the name will go at the top of our list for consideration. I manage to get off the phone and immediately send a text message to my husband as follows:

My Text: “Your mom just called me with her baby name suggestion.”

Husband’s Text: “Ha ha ha!”

(Oh… and, I finally added the latest baby pic on the pix page, just in case.)

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 17:37:04

    Oh my. Your MIL is so cute, in a naive Midwestern sort of way! I’m from the midwest, too, so I guess I shouldn’t bash that area of the country too much. That image of your baby girl trying to punch-kick her way out after yoga makes me giggle, too. I’m go glad you’re both enjoying yoga. And I LOVE that you’re dropping some knowledge on those other moms-to-be. Sounds like you gave them some things to think about, but I still find it astonishing that they hadn’t thought to find out for themselves. Go you!


  2. Daryl
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 17:38:07

    Okay, I just looked at the pic. Ah-may-zing.


  3. msfertility
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 20:46:26

    Aww! Thanks for always being so lovely! I’m amazed at how much she looks like her dad already 🙂


  4. Laura
    Jun 08, 2012 @ 10:35:24

    I loved this post! I have to say that I don’t think it’s the length of time it takes you to conceive on whether or not you have done all the research (I was one of the lucky ones); I think it is all in the personality. I’m the same as you and researched everything…probably to the extreme! Can I give you some unsolicited advice?? For the baby books on the first year and thereafter…take it as suggestions and not literal…I spent hours crying (and I’m not a crier!) over why different sleep techniques wouldn’t work for me. When baby arrives (Rhonda! LOL! Good luck with that!) just do what you think is best for you and baby and ignore EVERYONE else…cause if you think they have opinions now…just wait!

    BTW I think you are going to be an amazing mom!!


    • msfertility
      Jun 09, 2012 @ 11:21:43

      Thank you, Laura! I agree with you – and a mom I trust has given me similar advice: “trust your gut and don’t compare yourself to other moms or your baby to other babies.” (I know there are other moms like me who research everything – happy to meet you! I research for hours just to buy a cell phone – why wouldn’t I do a million times more research for a baby? lol)
      And, yes, “Rhonda” still echoes in my mind… {shivers} Is there a way to stop family from giving advice?!? 😉


  5. Laura
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 06:56:55

    I wish there was a way to avoid advise! My mom says I provoke it by telling people too much…I told everyone the name we were going with when I was pregnant and the things people say are kind of amazing…”That sounds like a law firm” (name: Connor David Miller), “That’s an awful name”…I just smiled and ignored them. Unfortunately it gets worse when you’re a mom. People judge everything you do. Just know you are doing the best you can and try your hardest to ignore them. Does your husband do as much research as you?? Mine does…it was slightly extreme during my pregnancy!!! He probably did 40 hours of research on strollers…he can now tell you every model, reviews, resale, feature and flaw!! Have you picked a stroller?

    Isn’t it amazing about how people view getting an epidural?? Every mom in my pregnancy class put that as something they were definitely getting even though they had just told us all about how it can slow things down and increases the chance of a c-section! I have no problem with people getting them…but why not try without first?? (I didn’t need one and it really wasn’t that bad…ignore people’s horror stories)


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