Did I say I wasn’t hormonal? (rambling)

Oh, man… wouldn’t you know it? I spoke waaaay too soon about that whole not-being-hormonal thing. I started noticing a general irritability yesterday, but shrugged it off to being on the phone with the IRS for an hour (who wouldn’t be stressed out?!) and to starting my new part-time job (that really doesn’t seem like it’s going to have the hours I will need to make a dent in my finances). Okay, as I’m typing this, I can see that I had reason to feel anxious yesterday. I also had to withdraw several thousand dollars from my savings (which I loathe doing) to pay for property taxes. And then my 75 year old mother called complaining of aches, pains, and general confusion. I can see her deteriorating in front of my eyes and it’s scary – mainly because I’m an only child and taking care of her will soon be my responsibility – and I’m truly not equipped to do that on any level at this point in my life.

Where I started to lose it a little was with my husband – and that’s really unfair because he deserves it the least out of anybody in my life! Recently, his work decided to pay for a 6-month membership to 24-Hour Fitness for all its employees and their spouses (why this couldn’t have come after the baby, no one knows.) At any rate, he usually gets off work around midnight and a group of the guys go workout after that, which means it’s often 2:30 a.m. or later when he gets home. That means I don’t get to see him [insert major pout here]. What really bugs me is when he says he’s only going to work out for half an hour and then he gets home 3 hours later! Because I’m such a codependent loving wife, I usually go to bed early and then wake up to spend time with him when he comes home. (This has the side benefit of making me super-cranky due to interrupted sleep.)

And I just have this thing about sleeping with him beside me. It’s one of the perks of marriage to which I feel entitled… and, I just plain have a hard time falling asleep without him. So, I got really irritated with him right when he got home and woke me up – with a kiss, no less – that’s the hormonal part, I usually have better timing! I told him I couldn’t trust his word (eek, I laid it on thick) and couldn’t believe anything he said anymore. To his credit, he was very apologetic and sweet and I kind of got over it after a while. At around 4 a.m., I just had to go back to bed and he promised he’d be there “soon.” I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to an empty bed and went looking for him only to find him in the kitchen, stuffing his face with food. “I’ll be right there.” he said when I asked why he wasn’t in bed yet. So, I went back to bed, still feeling irritated. I woke up again at 7 a.m. and was just livid to find he still hadn’t come to bed! I marched right into the living room, turned off the fireplace and shut off all the lights and yanked him into the bedroom. I was really upset and kept telling myself that I couldn’t rely on any of his promises.

He was all cute & snuggly when he woke up at the crack of noon and it’s really difficult to be mad at him when he’s being adorable. I had been up for hours working, but he insisted I get back into bed so we could cuddle – which, incidentally, he loves to do even more when he’s running behind schedule. Go figure!

Sometime before he left for work, he was on the phone with a coworker and, I should preface this by explaining that my husband frequently uses the terms “honey,” “sweetheart,” etc. when dealing with oh, just about anyone. I don’t like it but have learned that it doesn’t mean anything and it’s just a part of his personality, so I mainly just ignore it (or make fun of him by exaggerating & mimicking him – a common tactic in this household). He does know, however, after years of arguments and negotiating that certain words are off limits. For example, he cannot call anyone “honey-bear” as that is reserved exclusively for ME. I feel the same way about the word “Baby.” So, imagine my hormone induced horror when I heard him say, “Goodbye, Baby” as he hung up the phone!

I completely lost it. I was screaming bloody murder and sobbing in an instant. I accused him of breaking all his promises to me. (A bit melodramatic, I admit.) Inside, it felt like I had walked in on him making out with another woman. I know it sounds crazy, but it physically hurt me so badly, and I knew he couldn’t understand the first thing about how I was feeling. He tried to calm me down by shouting at me to calm down. Does that ever work? I yelled so loud my throat hurt. I slammed doors. I went through half a box of Kleenex until something clicked inside him that told him he needed to back down from this one. Only when his tone was sincerely apologetic and soothing did I calm down, but this deep well of sadness just seemed to be opening up and I couldn’t get out of it. I knew I was overreacting in a major way. Believe me when I say I was completely powerless to stop it. This awful rage just had to come out completely before it would let me rest.

Afterwards I was tired, dazed, and maudlin. He was really late for work by then, and I had to help him gather his things (which is what I normally do, set out his clothes, assemble his gym things, etc.) He kept asking if I was going to be okay. I told him I hoped I would be. He continued to apologize. (You have no idea how rare this is for my husband!) At one point, I just couldn’t hold back another wave of tears and he came over to hold me. And I started laughing and crying at the same time… a lot of both, actually. He said, “Are you laughing? And crying!? Why are you laughing?” “Because you’re so late and you’re having to console me!” I said.

“Honey, do you think any of this might be hormonal?” he asked gently.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Mar 27, 2012 @ 21:43:44

    Oh, my. I can’t wait to have your excuse for my raging hormones. Our poor husbands always get the brunt of it. I wish there was a blinking light on our foreheads or something to let them know it’s just hormones, and if we were in our right minds, we wouldn’t mean any of it! Although, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on other than growing another whole person. I hope everything mellows out soon!

    Reply

  2. msfertility
    Mar 27, 2012 @ 22:27:10

    I appreciate your sympathy. I feel so embarrassed! My only excuse is that I genuinely was not in control of my faculties. I’ve been so weepy all day, it’s ridiculous! To make matters worse, I feel guilty about feeling like this and wonder if my sadness is harming the baby in some way 😦

    Reply

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