My kingdom for a heartbeat!

Normally, when I write my blog entries… I just sit here and start to type. Sometimes I have an idea about what I’m going to say and other times I don’t. There’s no real fear in doing so because, well if it’s that awful I can just delete it, and the post will never see the light of day. But I’m hesitant as I sit here now to let the words flow because today, I know they will fail me. I feel impotent as a writer.

This past Thursday, February 23rd, we went to the clinic for our 7 week ultrasound – prepared to hear our little girl’s heart beat for the first time. “Prepared” is entirely the wrong word. A part of me feels melodramatic for writing this… but there is nothing that can prepare you for the overwhelming cavalcade of emotions that hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time brings with it.

The visit started out normally (which means I had to wait in the exam room forever before my very busy doctor appeared). I’ve come to enjoy the experience somewhat – with the dimmed lighting and soothing music, I sometimes imagine I’m about to get a relaxing massage. Anyway, he finally arrived and proceeded with the ultrasound. Immediately, I saw the image of our little bean! I was so excited/relieved to see she’d grown and looked exactly like all the other 7 week Google images. (Ha! I really have a Google problem.)

Then the doctor zoomed in a little and said, “Can you see that flicker? That’s the heart.” Yes! I could see the flicker – it looked amazing. A little blinking beacon that seemed to  broadcast “I’m here! I’m here!”

“Are we going to get to hear the heartbeat?” I asked. “Yes,” my doctor chuckled, “you’re always one step ahead of me!” Duh! I’m one of the most impatient people I know and I’ve waited my entire life for this!

So, he switched to another screen where the regular ultrasound image was minimized and the lower half of the screen showed a flat line. He turned on the sound. I heard nothing. I held my breath. (Not sure why, but I read somewhere that a lady had to hold her breath so the doctor could hear the baby’s heartbeat! The things we remember – lol.) My doctor did some techie thing where he focused the sound exactly on the embryo and then suddenly we heard the loud hummingbird heartbeat of our baby girl! (And we saw each heart beat on the display monitor.) Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum! It was so loud and so strong! My husband gasped, “Oh my God!” And I began to cry uncontrollably. Yes, happy tears, overwhelmed tears… everything I’ve been through in years… all the heartache-and-triumph-all-rolled-into-one kind of tears.

There simply are no words.

I was on a high for the rest of the day. What could possibly be wrong in my life? I heard her heartbeat. She’s real. She’s not just an idea, a collection of cells large enough for me to see on an ultrasound. She’s a tiny human being whose heart is beating inside me, inside mine.


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 18:12:36

    Yaaaaaay!!! That’s amazing! I am so happy for you! That last line–oh, you’re gonna make me cry happy tears! (Pardon the excessive use of exlamation marks, but in this case, I think they’re warranted!)


  2. dopingforbaby
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 08:07:17

    This is really beautiful. Now you’re blogging for the little lady, so she can read all about her amazing mom’s pregnancy. How thrilling. Keep posting and keep loving all of the little successes along the way.


    • msfertility
      Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:34:10

      I guess I am. I thought about writing to her… but if feels more natural to write this way. Someday, she can read it all and see how much she was loved & wanted from the very beginning!


  3. swankylady
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 12:48:02

    You are not impotent as a writer, not even close! Your words were beautiful and perfectly described a moment that so many of us dream of. Thank you for a glimpse of what it is like and for giving us hope that our own miracles can and will happen!


    • msfertility
      Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:36:38

      Oh, that’s very sweet of you to say. And, I’m a HUGE believer in miracles! Oddly, being involved in the IF community seems to have sped up my witnessing of miracles – I’m reduced to a puddle of tears just thinking about it. Have you read Bachelor’s Button’s blog? Oh. My. God.


  4. swankylady
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 18:32:20

    No, I haven’t ever read it, but it sounds like I have another IF blog to chek out…:)


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