And then there was ONE

Today is 5 days past the 5-day transfer. For those of you keeping score (really probably only me) that’s 3 IVFs, 34 eggs retrieved, 22 fertilized & analyzed, and a grand total of… can I have a drumroll, please?

ONE. Normal. Embryo.

Well, at least there was one, right? The alternative would have been much worse.

So… because no one I know in real life reads this, I will tell you, dear anonymous person struggling with infertility, that our little blastocyst is a female. It feels kind of special to know that for some reason. And it’s funny, too, because all my mom’s psychic friends have predicted either a male child or male twins. Not on this round, I’m afraid, ladies!

Oh, and, I find it very interesting that the normal embryo was actually one of our frosties from IVF #2 – the cycle where I was the most stressed-out, sleep-deprived, and depressed! That was actually quite a surprise to me. Still, I’m glad we let her get to the 5-day blastocyst stage. I feel/hope/pray that will give her a better chance to implant.

The transfer procedure itself was actually extremely romantic. I know it sounds like I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not – I swear! We were in a transfer room with dim lighting and “mood” music – which I found to be both simultaneously cheesy and relaxing. I was lying down with my legs in stirrups (okay, that’s not romantic) as doctors & nurses bustled about readying everything. My darling husband sat behind me, stroking my hair, gazing at me lovingly, and gently tracing the features of my face. I felt so incredibly loved.

During the actual embryo transfer, the music became quite dramatic and hubby said something about it sounding like Liberace! I said, “Are you seriously telling me that our baby is being implanted to Liberace?!” It was all I could do to control my laughter. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep still when every part of you is trying to repress a full-belly laugh?) “It’s Debussy,” our RE chimed in, “I think this is the music you hear when you go to Heaven,” he added. We were immediately reduced to naughty school children who want nothing more than to bust out laughing during a very serious lesson! It was an awesome experience.

So that was 5 days ago now… and I spent the first 2 days feeling blissful and like my dreams had already come true. Day 3 was okay. Day 4 was very blah. And day 5, today, has sucked. All my hope & optimism seem to have vanished – along with any symptoms, I might add! No more sore boobs? I mean, Progesterone alone causes sore boobs for me and I’ve been on the suppositories since before the transfer. No more bloating? I have bloating even when I’m not going through IVF – what the hell is happening here? The only “symptom” I have, if you can really even call it that, is depression. I cried like there was no tomorrow this morning. I just couldn’t shake this horrible foreboding. I mean, box of Kleenex, snot-dripping-down-your-shirt type of sobbing. I know we’re not supposed to jump to conclusions, but I really, really don’t FEEL pregnant.

I was excited yesterday because I experienced some serious fluttering in my uterus. That has never happened before and I convinced myself it was a sign, however, my best-friend-Google says it can mean almost anything, which really means it means nothing. And of course, I thought it would make me feel less anxious if I could pee on a stick and pretend there was a faint line somewhere. So, I did… and there wasn’t. I mean it was stark blinding white no matter which angle I looked at it!

That made me really sad. (Yes, I know it’s too early, I’m just losing it.) This can’t really be it, can it? Six months, 3 surgeries, $35,000 and immeasurable heartache for this? I’m having a hard time existing in limbo. I don’t know what I will do if it doesn’t work.

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sandra
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 19:42:53

    Hang in there sweetie! The 2 week wait is the worst part. It’s really too early as you know and too early for symptoms too, hang in there, give it a few more days.

    PS~ I love Debussy!


  2. Daryl
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 20:33:53

    Repeat after me: It’s too early, it’s too early. Don’t drive yourself too crazy yet! I have a good feeling about this. I know everybody complains IVF/IUI is such an unromantic way to make a baby, but it that ends up being the story of how you got pregnant with your baby girl, I’d say it’s a pretty good one!


  3. msfertility
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 23:02:32

    I read your comments and immediately burst into tears! lol
    Wow, I am SO hormonal! Thank you both for your encouragement! I will keep repeating the “it’s too early” mantra – hopefully the message penetrates my emotionally challenged brain!


  4. thebarrenyears
    Jan 31, 2012 @ 01:02:25

    Definitely too early, fingers crossed she is hanging in there.
    I always get the giggles during ET I think it’s the emotion or the fact that it is such am amazing thing a proceedure that is full of hope xx


  5. msfertility
    Jan 31, 2012 @ 12:46:36

    The “it’s too early” messages are not sinking in! Another stark white test today has me feeling like the writing is on the wall. 6 days past a 5-day transfer is the equivalent to 11 dpo, right? Shouldn’t something show up by now?

    The transfer was really cool and I’m glad I got to experience it… but panic has definitely set in now šŸ˜¦


  6. Daryl
    Jan 31, 2012 @ 15:55:47

    Someone else already googled it so you don’t have to!
    Hope this helps!


  7. dopingforbaby
    Jan 31, 2012 @ 17:48:45

    I was at my lowest three days before my beta. It’s awful. I would have cried if I had a private office. People kept telling me to see the embryo burrowing into my uterus. Yes, I know crazy people. I had to sulk, be mean to my hubby and snuggle with my dog. Then I slapped myself out of it. I say go with it. Yes mindset can dictate experience, but you’re all hopped up on hormones. Rules don’t apply. I will hold you in my thoughts and hope the little lady signs a long-term uterine lease. šŸ˜‰


  8. msfertility
    Jan 31, 2012 @ 20:29:55

    Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I’m trying to reverse this downhill feeling. On the one hand, I think it will be whatever it will be regardless of my efforts and on the other, I can’t help but feel the energy of our little girl who’s been visiting my dreams for months now! I like the “rules don’t apply” approach – I think I can get on board with that one. Thank you!!!


  9. Bachelor's Button
    Feb 01, 2012 @ 01:44:14

    Oh goodness….. Stay positive. Whenever I have had that fluttering feeling it has signalled a pregnancy, and I haven’t ever had any pregnancy symptoms…. never… Just stay positive, and try to find things to laugh at. Think Liberace.


  10. msfertility
    Feb 01, 2012 @ 11:11:24

    Can I laugh and cry simultaneously? Because I think *that* is something I can pull off right now.
    Thank you so much for gracing me with uplifting thoughts. It takes a special kind of person to do that when you are going through such an unimaginably difficult time yourself. My heart is full of gratitude.


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