Matters of the Heart

On Saturday, one of our dearest friends (and husband’s band-mate), suffered a heart attack while performing on stage. At 41 years of age and in very good health as far as anyone knew, it was a complete shock to all of us. Luckily, the quick and decisive action of the friends who rushed him to the hospital saved his life.

I didn’t find out about it until Sunday morning. A friend of my husband’s had called several times – but I was at the clinic (yes, on a Sunday!) getting blood drawn and listening to another lackluster ultrasound report. [9 follicles, only 3 look like the right size… yawn.] {The “yawn” is not because I don’t care. Of course I care! I’m just done with letting it zap me of all my positive energy, that’s all. I can’t really afford to give it that much attention. But I digress!} So, when I was finally able to, I called back and received the news that “T” had had a heart attack and the information did not fully process in my mind because it seemed so outrageous! Tears and panic quickly set in on my drive home, and I was both beside myself with worry and deeply grateful that he was/is alive.

Suddenly, all my thoughts turned from my current IVF cycle, to how I could be there for our friend. It was just the change of perspective I needed.

“T” is one of my favorite people on the planet. Smart, funny, and extremely sarcastic… it’s not until you really get to know him that you discover he is one of the kindest & most generous human beings.  He’s a man’s man (and a definite ladies’ man) but under that somewhat tough exterior is a tender and lovely soul. The world needs more people like him in it, that I know for sure.

Visiting him in the ICU was rough, mostly because he was the healthiest person in there. I walked swiftly past beds with patients, many of whom already seemed to be in their final hours, to the room all the way at the end – to where our friend was. I saw his ex-wife first. She’d hadn’t left his side for even a moment and looked worse for the wear. It was touching to me that she was there, caring for him. Her love was apparent. I thought briefly about how my parents (who still despise one another after 20 years of being divorced) would never be capable of such compassion. But people like “T” tend to inspire that kind of devotion.

I was relieved to find him lucid and in good spirits, but I could see that he was also tired and… something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He’d lost some of his invincibility. Something in his eyes looked different, softer, more vulnerable perhaps. It occurred to me that his life would never go on as before. That it would be forever marked as “before the heart attack” and “after the heart attack” just as mine is separated into “before the miscarriage” and “after the miscarriage.” Because in a profound way, losing my child changed me. The loss of innocence often does that to a person.

I don’t know what I’ll find out this month that will mark my life again. Before the pregnancy / after the pregnancy or… before I found out I could never have biological children / after I found out I could never have biological children. It’s rare that one knows when one is standing on the precipice of monumental change. I think it may be a blessing in disguise in that I can decide, right here on the razor’s edge, that I am going to be okay no matter what happens.

In the end, I know I have the love & support of my wonderful husband, family and friends to see me through to the next chapter.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Jan 18, 2012 @ 17:05:14

    This is a beautiful post. I’m so glad your friend is okay. You are in a unique position, and I think it takes a lot of courage to decide you’ll be okay, no matter which side of that “razor’s edge” you end up on. I hope it’s good news!


  2. msfertility
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 10:53:38

    Thank you, Daryl. As the day approaches, I’m getting a little anxious, but overall in a good place. I really hope it’s good news, too! xoxo


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