It seems like nearly every time I go to the clinic these days, I have to scrape myself up off the floor – emotionally – and try to drag myself up by the bootstraps afterwards. Is there no such thing as good news anymore? Or is that just for other people? I’m seriously beginning to wonder.

So, for all the eating healthy, moderately exercising, mindful walking and hypnosis subjecting I’ve done to myself, what do I have to show for it? Poorly progressing follicles, apparently. Β In fact, I have so few follicles that I no longer qualify for the FDA study. Goodbye $4,000 and goodbye chances for freezing anything. At least, that’s what my doctor seems to think and I have no reason to doubt his expertise.

I almost wish now that they wouldn’t tell me how I’m progressing at all so I can at least have hope until the very end. What is the purpose of stripping me of the only thing I have to cling onto? Can’t I just enjoy being hopeful and positive for a little bit longer?

It feels like there’s a giant sword of Damocles hanging by the slenderest thread above my head. This could be the cycle I find out that I can never have biological children of my own… or it could turn out completely differently; one never knows. I do know that I will be praying with every cell in my being that those follicles that are developing turn out to be normal after the PGD. If you can or want to, please, please pray for me, too.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Daryl
    Jan 13, 2012 @ 18:26:33

    I’ll definitely be sending some happy thoughts and positive energy your way! I’m so sorry every time you go for an update it seems to be bad news. But you know, doctors have been surprised plenty of times by outcomes that trumped all their “expertise.” I hope you get your medical miracle!


  2. msfertility
    Jan 13, 2012 @ 21:14:35

    Thank you so much, Daryl. Your happy thoughts help me a lot! I think the meds & hormones make ambiguous messages from the doctor even worse in my mind. But thanks to people like you… and my sweet hubby who has been intermittently a shoulder to cry on and trying to make me laugh at any cost… I feel quite a bit better now πŸ™‚


    • Daryl
      Jan 14, 2012 @ 08:38:10

      You’re so welcome! The whole reason I started my blog was because, as much as I love Hubby and he tries his best to cheer me up, I really needed to talk to other women who were going through the same things and understood this emotional and biological need to be a mother. And I know that when I’m on a hormone-induced emotional roller coaster on my first IVF cycle, your comments will make me feel better, too! πŸ™‚


  3. heyjbn
    Jan 14, 2012 @ 06:47:08

    I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this after everything you’ve already been through. It’s just not fair. I’m praying for you and sending you comfort!


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