Taking a break….

Well, that’s the idea anyway. I figured it would be good to take a break from all the craziness & emotional upheaval of the artificial reproductive process – not just for me, but for my hubby as well. He’s been so incredibly supportive throughout our ordeals. His only concern has always been me being okay… and unfortunately, too many times, I haven’t been. But that’s all he has ever cared about. And for a guy who isn’t really crazy about the idea of having kids in the first place, he’s been amazing!

I am a little bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to self-administering injections. Even though he’s offered to help – I can’t really let anyone near me with such a sharp object (who isn’t wearing a white lab coat!) Plus, I secretly think the whole thing is just kind of … icky … and I prefer to keep it behind closed doors. Anyway… that’s kind of a tangent… since I’m taking a break. (Right. If only I could really get my mind to stop obsessing now that I’m not undergoing treatment!)

So, yesterday was 11/11/11 – and I can’t even begin to describe how cool it would have been to have given birth and had that be my imaginary child’s birthday! I remember February 18th very clearly. It was the day I would have had to have conceived in order to have my 11/11/11 baby. Ahh… those innocent days of properly timed intercourse and Clomid! The Halcyon days before my uterus and wallet were raided on a monthly basis, if not even more frequently than that.

I suppose I can always aim for 12/12/12 – but really, it’s not nearly as cool. Let’s see if I’m ovulating on or near March 21, 2012!

Personally, I’m struggling with being happy for other people’s pregnancy news (or at least not wanting to scream every time another person easily gets pregnant). I have a total double-standard about this – and I’m completely okay with admitting that. I actually get teary – in a good way – when people who have been struggling with infertility finally get pregnant. I get so genuinely happy & excited for them, you’d think it was my own double-lined pee stick I was cheering about. And there have been some really brave women on the message boards, particularly on the TCOYF IVF forums, who’ve been through the journey at the same time as me who are now pregnant – and I’m thrilled for them. It truly gives me hope.

Hope. I guess that’s all I’m subsisting on these days. My own journey isn’t looking so great. I think my eggs may really be past their sell-by date. I’m going for a second opinion in a few days. Let’s see if that doctor can do any better. In the meantime, I’ll hang on to my few strands of hope and wish for a miracle to come my way.

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